Anti-Relationshipism - May 2015

This was one of those blogs I didn’t finish when I started writing it and it was while a while ago so I don’t know where I was trying to go with it. At the time I was writing it, it was after a dear friend of mine decided to “act differently” all of sudden. I was in my feelings real tough because I put trust in someone and once again she showed me why I should not trust. This would’ve been the 3rd Anti-Relationshipism blog in a month if I had finished it but I shelved it. The whole Anti-Relationshipism comes from the things I’ve experienced up till this moment. I write about it to vent, to give whomever my point of view along with a better understanding and to maybe get different perspectives on whatever it is that I’m thinking about.

This blog is mostly about triggers, your word, context and trust. I don’t hear people talking about triggers or context much. All 4 are important to me.  

I can’t tell the future so I have no idea what’s going to happen moment to moment in life until it happens. I can only hope and assume for the next moment to go “good” or however I’m thinking it will go. It’s the same with people. Once I meet someone, I have no clue what’s going to happen most of the time. While people are here in my life and I can only hope they will respect who I am and they are here for who I am.

When it comes to relationships, based on my experience, people can be very unpredictable. No two people are the same but some do similar things. It’s like when you were a kid and skinned your knee up really bad. It’s was painful and the scars usually remained for a long time. Although they have healed physically, a mental scar doesn’t always heal. Those mental scars can become triggers. A mental scar that I got 12 years ago can be re-opened by something that I experienced today but was similar to what happened in the past. It could be words, actions, feelings, etc. I have different feelings from things that are triggering me. Like when I know someone is lying or has lied that triggers feels like a mist of something warm falling on top of me then starts to slightly squeeze or some kind of pressure is applied to my body. The amount of pressure is determined by how I feel about what lie was about and it usually followed by anger.

Example of a mental scar, the people who posed as friends but just like that, walked out my life like we weren’t cool for as long as we were. It feels the same to me every time. Depending on how they went about walking away, reminds me of someone from the past that went about it the same way or similar. It sucks when I don’t know why or understand why they did it. The feeling is worse when it’s someone I care for.  

I mean, I’ve cried out in my statuses, in blogs, in text messages, e-mails, in silence, in actions, conversations, to myself, etc etc. There are things that people do that trigger off feelings and emotions that re-aggravate past scars. Like being told what to do, I can’t stand it. That scar from skinning you knee can’t just be “let go” of, it’ll take some time, maybe a really long time before it’s gone and healed.

Over time you just notice things about people that you’ve seen in the past. If you’re paying attention to a person, you notice things (good and bad) about them period.  You can’t take anything for granted when it comes to dealing with people, especially the ones close to you. It could be something as simple as a person who does thoughtful things for you or who changes their mind often. The little things (good or bad) seem to be very important. I don’t catch everything but I try to notice as much as can. When I see that and my instinct instantly kicks in. Usually I pay more attention to the bad because the good can’t hurt me like the bad could. If I can nip it in the bud, I’ll try before it turns into something serious. People are who they are so it’s not always going to change just because I bring it to their attention that it’s happening.

I don’t know what to look for in a person who is thoughtful. I try to appreciate their thoughtfulness in the moment. When I say “what to look for”, I’m talking about something negative in that specific simple action or just anything I have to worry about besides them catching feelings.  The type of people that “change their mind” I feel will treat you differently sooner or later. Not always but I keep the possibility in mind because I still have some mental scars from them.

Example, this woman would always say how she missed me and wanted to come see me. She would tell me this all the time. When the opportunity came or that date came when we planned something, she’d have some excuse why she couldn’t make it or she would blow me off. There was this one time that I haven’t forgotten, after she stood me, I asked her what happened? She straight up told me that she changed her mind and that it was ok for her to do that. It was one of those moments where I wanted to say something but what could I say? She was right, it is ok for her to change her mind.

There’s a thing called “context”. It’s been on my mind for the past year or so because my words have been taking out of context a lot. I take things out of context a lot. Changing your mind and it “being ok”, there’s a time and place for that. Making plans with someone then standing them up is not the right time or place for “ok” to do that.   

Feelings, more specifically love. It’s one of those feelings that vary from person to person. I’m not into being sappy. My thoughtfulness is one way that I express myself. That could be considered showing love. Something as simple as genuinely being concerned for someone could be showing love. There are many ways to go about it.  

Trust, without trust what do you have? I’ve been questioning my circle of friends lately, re-evaluating each person’s position in my life. How are they treating me, how I am treating them, who’s flaws are nipping at my nerves, etc. In my circle, I want to feel like I can sleep 24 hours around them and they wouldn’t harm me on any level and wake me if harm was trying to get to me. Analogically speaking and literally. If I can’t do that, you don’t believe in my circle.

I touched on triggers, your word, context and trust. Your word needs to be kept if you want my trust. Shit happens but there is a context for that shit. Triggers, sometimes there are not so bad and sometimes they are “bitch you better run” bad, either way, they are definitely something that you should pay attention to and avoid if possible, especially if I’m telling you about them and what triggers me off.

Do what you say or shut the fuck up. There’s no if ands or buts about it.

To Be Continued…..