This was one of those
blogs I didn’t finish when I started writing it and it was while a while ago so
I don’t know where I was trying to go with it. At the time I was writing it, it
was after a dear friend of mine decided to “act differently” all of sudden. I
was in my feelings real tough because I put trust in someone and once again she
showed me why I should not trust. This would’ve been the 3rd Anti-Relationshipism
blog in a month if I had finished it but I shelved it. The whole
Anti-Relationshipism comes from the things I’ve experienced up till this moment.
I write about it to vent, to give whomever my point of view along with a better
understanding and to maybe get different perspectives on whatever it is that
I’m thinking about.
This blog is mostly about
triggers, your word, context and trust. I don’t hear people talking about
triggers or context much. All 4 are important to me.
I can’t tell the future
so I have no idea what’s going to happen moment to moment in life until it
happens. I can only hope and assume for the next moment to go “good” or however
I’m thinking it will go. It’s the same with people. Once I meet someone, I have
no clue what’s going to happen most of the time. While people are here in my
life and I can only hope they will respect who I am and they are here for who I
am.
When it comes to
relationships, based on my experience, people can be very unpredictable. No two
people are the same but some do similar things. It’s like when you were a kid
and skinned your knee up really bad. It’s was painful and the scars usually remained
for a long time. Although they have healed physically, a mental scar doesn’t
always heal. Those mental scars can become triggers. A mental scar that I got
12 years ago can be re-opened by something that I experienced today but was
similar to what happened in the past. It could be words, actions, feelings,
etc. I have different feelings from things that are triggering me. Like when I
know someone is lying or has lied that triggers feels like a mist of something
warm falling on top of me then starts to slightly squeeze or some kind of
pressure is applied to my body. The amount of pressure is determined by how I
feel about what lie was about and it usually followed by anger.
Example of a mental scar,
the people who posed as friends but just like that, walked out my life like we
weren’t cool for as long as we were. It feels the same to me every time.
Depending on how they went about walking away, reminds me of someone from the
past that went about it the same way or similar. It sucks when I don’t know why
or understand why they did it. The feeling is worse when it’s someone I care
for.
I mean, I’ve cried
out in my statuses, in blogs, in text messages, e-mails, in silence, in
actions, conversations, to myself, etc etc. There are things that people do
that trigger off feelings and emotions that re-aggravate past scars. Like being
told what to do, I can’t stand it. That scar from skinning you knee can’t just
be “let go” of, it’ll take some time, maybe a really long time before it’s gone
and healed.
Over time you just
notice things about people that you’ve seen in the past. If you’re paying
attention to a person, you notice things (good and bad) about them period. You can’t take anything for granted when it
comes to dealing with people, especially the ones close to you. It could be
something as simple as a person who does thoughtful things for you or who
changes their mind often. The little things (good or bad) seem to be very
important. I don’t catch everything but I try to notice as much as can. When I
see that and my instinct instantly kicks in. Usually I pay more attention to
the bad because the good can’t hurt me like the bad could. If I can nip it in
the bud, I’ll try before it turns into something serious. People are who they
are so it’s not always going to change just because I bring it to their
attention that it’s happening.
I don’t know what to
look for in a person who is thoughtful. I try to appreciate their
thoughtfulness in the moment. When I say “what to look for”, I’m talking about
something negative in that specific simple action or just anything I have to
worry about besides them catching feelings. The type of people that “change their mind” I
feel will treat you differently sooner or later. Not always but I keep the
possibility in mind because I still have some mental scars from them.
Example, this woman
would always say how she missed me and wanted to come see me. She would tell me
this all the time. When the opportunity came or that date came when we planned
something, she’d have some excuse why she couldn’t make it or she would blow me
off. There was this one time that I haven’t forgotten, after she stood me, I
asked her what happened? She straight up told me that she changed her mind and
that it was ok for her to do that. It was one of those moments where I wanted
to say something but what could I say? She was right, it is ok for her to
change her mind.
There’s a thing
called “context”. It’s been on my mind for the past year or so because my words
have been taking out of context a lot. I take things out of context a lot.
Changing your mind and it “being ok”, there’s a time and place for that. Making
plans with someone then standing them up is not the right time or place for “ok”
to do that.
Feelings, more
specifically love. It’s one of those feelings that vary from person to person.
I’m not into being sappy. My thoughtfulness is one way that I express myself.
That could be considered showing love. Something as simple as genuinely being
concerned for someone could be showing love. There are many ways to go about
it.
Trust, without trust
what do you have? I’ve been questioning my circle of friends lately,
re-evaluating each person’s position in my life. How are they treating me, how
I am treating them, who’s flaws are nipping at my nerves, etc. In my circle, I want
to feel like I can sleep 24 hours around them and they wouldn’t harm me on any
level and wake me if harm was trying to get to me. Analogically speaking and
literally. If I can’t do that, you don’t believe in my circle.
I touched on
triggers, your word, context and trust. Your word needs to be kept if you want
my trust. Shit happens but there is a context for that shit. Triggers,
sometimes there are not so bad and sometimes they are “bitch you better run”
bad, either way, they are definitely something that you should pay attention to
and avoid if possible, especially if I’m telling you about them and what triggers
me off.
Do what you say or
shut the fuck up. There’s no if ands or buts about it.
To Be Continued…..
